SEC Bro Breaks Down Steph Curry Winning NBA MVP

Facebooktwitterredditmail encourages guest column submissions. The following is one such submission* from SEC Bro, an unabashed fan of all things SEC football, who was generous enough to share his take on Steph Curry winning Most Valuable Player of the NBA for the 2014-’15 season. For column submissions, please email

Well, well, well. I see anti-SEC bias is alive and well in the NBA. I was at the Delta House pre-gaming for the pre-game of the sick graduation party they’re throwing this weekend when I got the text alert on my Galaxy S5: Steph Curry won MVP of the NBA. It’s Marcus Mariota winning the Heisman Trophy over Amari Cooper all over again.

Steph Curry’s season was nice and all: 23.8 points, 7.7 assists, 4.3 rebounds. But do you think he would have done anything close to that in the SEC West? Hell, no.

Just look what happened Tuesday night against Memphis. Curry’s team lost and he had a terrible game. Coincidence that Memphis is almost equidistant from Fayetteville, home of Bret Bielema’s Arkansas Razorbacks and Knoxville, where Butch Jones is bringing Tennessee back to glory? Or that Memphis is a sweet beer pong shot away from The Grove?

There are no such thing as coincidences, my man. And especially not in the SEC.

Let’s see Steph Curry score at all trying to get past Alabama’s defensive line. Six-foot-3, 190 pounds? Please. Derrick Henry is 6-foot-3, 242 and he uses every bit of that poundage to break tackles. See, out here, unlike in California, tackling still means something.

And even if Curry beat the front seven, do you think for a second he could get beyond the secondary? Two words: SEC speed.

I doubt Steph Curry could outrun SEC security, much less Senquez Golson. Then again, SEC security is pretty fast. We made this pledge, Scooter, run out on the field during the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and he got taken down with the quickness. Scooter’s fast, too: He won the Pledge Olympics Drink A Red Cup of Vodka Then Run The 40 event in record time.

People are making a big deal about Curry hitting 282 3-point field goals. Two-hundred and eighty-two 3-point field goals? C’mon! That Beamer Ball crap won’t win you squat in the SEC.

Oh, what’s that? Steph Curry couldn’t even get into Virginia Tech to play for Beamer? Case closed. I guess he did play at Davidson, though, and they’re on Alabama’s schedule the week before the Iron Bowl. Coach Saban says that’ll be the toughest game all year, so I guess I have to give Curry props there.

Now, I know there’s a lot of babble about Golden State winning 67 games. That’s cute. How many games do you think the Warriors would win in the SEC? They’d finish no better than seventh in the SEC East and they’d have to create some number that doesn’t exist to describe just how bad Golden State would be in the SEC West.

And you know who agrees with me? Vegas.

Look, I’m not taking away credit from Steph Curry. His bow tie game is pretty on-point and would definitely get him into our Dress As Your Favorite Insurance Commercial-themed date dash we hold every April.


I mean the guy no disrespect at all. All I’m saying is that any accomplishment in sports not made against SEC football teams is worthless.

*Not an actual submission.

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