Today. College Football. Time to Kill Grandma.


Oh, it’s time. It’s time. It is college football season time.

The world may not be ready for what is about to happen, but just like the Left Behind movie trilogy is being rebooted with Nicolas Cage as the lead, the college football season is coming and you can’t stop it.

Now, while the opener might not be every single person’s cup of tea (but here’s why it should be) it does start the season. So, um, there’s that.

Here is the thing, though. I don’t know if you are actually ready to handle men wearing tight pants hitting each other in the most violent ways possible — with high probability of long term health issues — for our own entertainment.

All rarely discussed, put in the deepest parts of our cranium, downer-talk aside, being just pumped about universities (still) attempting to exploit our country’s youth for financial gain isn’t enough. You need to be prepped.

Seriously, you can’t just expect to wake up on a Saturday, wearing your finest sweatpants I am sure, and think that your experience will be all that and a bag of chips. Because, really, without the preparation that goes hand in hand with Saturdays in the fall, there wouldn’t be any bag of chips at your house since you were too gosh slam lazy to go buy a bag of Herr’s.

So, first, read this column. After that, however, you have some college football-watching related chores to get done. Easy stuff really. It essentially comes down to you not drinking your first Pumpkin beer at 10 in the morning and getting out and (yes, unfortunately) dealing with the public.

The very first thing you need to do is head to grocery store. Not Wal-Mart, though. They abuse their employees as much as the NCAA does its (not according to them) workers. Instead, head to your local mom and pop shop. Get appropriate snack food.

I’m not idiotic enough to think that you will actually cook lunch and/or dinner for yourself during football. We all know you are going to order out, probably the same pizza place twice a day, during football season. Still, you can stock up on the random snacks that will help you get by between deliveries. I highly recommend salted chips, some Arizona Ice Tea and a generic version of tums.

You are all set as far as the yum-yums is concerned. However, your work is far from done.

Now you need to clear your schedule. Chances are, because you are one helluva an awesome person, that you already adjusted your work schedule so you are off Saturdays. Smart move, Inspector Gadget. You are already ahead of the game. Even with your foresight, though, you still have other commitments that need to be hurled to the side of the priority road like a professional streetwalker after her Thursday night five dollar reach-around special.

Each “commitment” or “expectation” you are suppose to do on any given Saturday and the excuse you are to use to get out of it all depends on the situation. Example: Girlfriend/boyfriend wants to go to the movies to see Leisure Suit Larry Origins. Well, this is really simple. Just kill your Gram Gram.

Not the one he/she knows, but the one you don’t go to see anymore because she collects clown dolls and you have to literally scream at the top of your lungs so he/she can hear how you lost your job at Klean ‘N Gentle Car Wash. Your significant other will never know the difference. Plus it opens up your whole weekend: One day to watch college football and that Sunday to recover from your beer/sugar/slime induced coma.

If it is a family commitment, that’s another story. If you have a significant other you can just use he/she as an excuse. “Oh, Christina Ricci really wants to come over and help me redecorate my unfinished basement”, is generally what I say. You can adjust appropriately to use excuses that best suit your given situation.

Oh, hell, how in the world did I forget to tell you to stock up on the booze?

First tip here: Do not, under any circumstances, go to your local beer emporium. Go to the beer distributor. You can not only buy in bulk at Hoboken Joe’s Beer Warehouse, but it will likely come at a much cheaper price.

Now, to be fair, each state has different laws as far as where and when you can buy the world’s most favorite legal mind-altering substance, but I can honestly say that your judgement can be trusted here. My sole recommendation here: Buy cheap.

Do not buy fancy smancy craft beers. Your job is to get poop-faced drunk; not to tell your friends — which you will likely alienate after making up excuses not to hang out with them on Saturdays — that that new carpet flavored beer is delicious.

Speaking of your friends: We need to talk.

How much do you like them? I mean, do you really, really like them? Probably not — those selfish mother truckers. You have two choices here. Either off ’em off with a shovel and/or riding lawnmower, or suck it up and invite them over.

There is nothing worse than your friends texting you during a Club State Pool Cleaners 78-yard triple-option-heavy touchdown drive to let you know that the University of Broken Dreams have lost their kicker to suspension due to heavy speculation that he once molested an underage unicorn.

Not a single word that I have typed — using my lobster claws — can actually be construed as “good” advice in the traditional sense.

But there are some things that should definitely be taken into consideration as the college football season has officially started on the day of whatever lord that you worship, Aug. 23.

You’re welcome, friends.

Sorry, Gram Gram Marge. If that is your real name.