Let’s Talk About The Gronk Music Video

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Well…I suppose it was only a matter of time before Rob Gronkowski starred in an EDM video. The man is 4% body fat and 100% vodka-Red Bull.

The Gronk music video for Vegas-based DJ 3LAU’s song “On My Mind” dropped Wednesday, and it’s…well, it’s as if the very essence of the New England Patriots tight end was extracted and filmed. Some highlights, and the video for those who have yet to witness:

0:01: OK: One second in, I have immediate thoughts. We see a helicopter shot of the Vegas Strip at night, with Miami Vice-style font overlay. Coupled with the oh-so-EDM keyboard tinkle sound, and a credit noting Gronkowski is the featured player of this 3-minute, 8-second saga, we are on the precipice of achieving Bro Singularity.

Perhaps splicing in Gronk’s appearance from the 2015 Entourage film opens a bro-black hole in the space-time continuum, sucking all surrounding matter into a parallel dimension occupied exclusively by bros.

0:14: The opening few seconds take us into a Vegas bar — club isn’t the right description for the venue. Very un-Gronk-like, as the atmosphere appears rather laid back. There’s evidently no dress code here, either, as our hero Gronk joins a young woman wearing a short-sleeved henley in early ’90s Charlotte Hornets colors.

0:31: Wait, wait, wait. Gronk signaled to the bartender with two fingers, the universal symbol for “we’ll have two of the same thing.” But the server presents Gronk what appears to be vodka tonic, and his new acquaintance something mixed with cola. Terrible choice, as sugary mixers heighten the severity of hangovers.

…Why, yes. I did attend the same university as Gronkowski. The Pac-12: Conference of Avoiding Hangovers!

0:40: An early-generation iMovie effect implies a dream sequence, wherein our heroine goes from a black sequined cocktail dress, to Dreamsicle orange one-piece bathing suit. We are leaving Las Vegas in much better shape than Nicolas Cage from the film of the same name, but I’m unsure of our locale.

Tampa seems fitting, given the apparent Bucs throwback homage with the bathing suit. However, Gronk sold his “party house” in Tampa four years ago.

1:00: The ensuing carwash scene feels as though it’s the PG-13 edit of a late-night Cinemax offering. Gronk’s mugging for the camera, as a cadre of bikini-clad extras emerge from the mansion, is about as close as a human being will come to replicating the faces Tex Avery’s cartoon wolves made for any woman.

Story time! In the 1990s, Viacom owned a music video channel that supplemented MTV, as the latter increasingly focused on original programming. This alternative was called The Box, and played only requests made through a 1-900 hotline. Videos were assigned numeric IDs, and requests were automated by touch-tone phones. As a requester dialed in, her/his sequence of numbers appeared on-screen.

Every summer as a child and into my high school years, I attended Lute Olson’s basketball camp at the University of Arizona. The dorm lobby TVs came with The Box, which many of us campers lounged around to watch during breaks in our daily sessions. One summer, Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Put ‘Em On The Glass” was seemingly the only video aired on the channel, as viewers requested the video — banned from MTV at the time for its raciness — over and over and over.

This story’s pertinent, as at this juncture, the Gronk video is just a ripoff of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s…eh, “classic.”

1:16: It was all a dream! Gronk spaced out on his date. That usually only happens when Stephen A. Smith starts shouting at him to eat beef jerky.

1:22: HOLY COW, IT’S MOJO RAWLEY CARRYING A PLATE OF SUSHI!

For those unfamiliar with the great American artform of professional wrestling, Mojo Rawley is the stage name of WWE wrestler Dean Jonathan Muhtadi. Rawley’s gimmick is…well, he’s Gronk; a fun-loving, happy-go-luck bro with an endless supply of hype. Got it?

Like Gronkowski, Rawley’s a product of the state known for crab cakes and football.

Rawley played at the University of Maryland after making the unlikely jump from Div. III ball. He parlayed a successful stint as a Terrapin into a short NFL career. Their shared gridiron backgrounds bond real-life buddies Gronk and Rawley, as the former appeared in the crowd at an NXT show to cheer on Mojo early in the wrestler’s career.

The appearance prompted a hilarious moment, in which former WWE wrestler William Regal — a Brit with no knowledge of American football — quizzically referred to Gronkowski as “Grunk.”

1:44: In another dream sequence a shirtless Mojo Rawley, in Zubaz, is pouring soy sauce onto a sushi-covered Gronk. Decided heel tactic from the career-long babyface Mojo, I must say.

And it results in Gronk taking a drink in the face from his lady-friend! Not a cool way to repay Gronkowski for helping you win the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania last month, Mojo.

Speaking of which, the last wrestler eliminated is Jinder Mahal, who Gronkowski confronted from the crowd in a later show. Mahal won the WWE World Championship this past Sunday. Wouldn’t beating Mahal just a few weeks ago make Mojo Rawley the No. 1 contender? WWE loves mainstream attention, and Rawley’s appearance in the Gronk music video can’t hurt the former Maryland Terrapin’s case.

2:12: The smile on Gronkowski’s face as he comes to in one of those trampoline parks…There’s no reason to believe that’s not 100 percent genuine. This is the happiest he’s looked in the entire video.

Given how many insurance waivers patrons to one of these parks have to sign, I do wonder if this video shoot was cleared with the Patriots prior. Forget working a match at WWE Summerslam; bouncing around on trampolines with Mojo Rawley and models strikes me as considerably more dangerous.

2:31: Zubaz-clad Mojo knocks Gronk over, but this feels like a wasted opportunity for Rawley to show off his finishing move, The Pounce. The running shoulder tackle is a maneuver perfectly suited for a former football player-turned-wrestler — so much so, Rawley isn’t the first to do it.

Former Ferris State, Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots linebacker Monty Brown used The Pounce as his signature last decade.

3:00: Our saga ends with Gronk out cold on an empty bar floor. I need to know if this same scenario ever played out at Gentle Ben’s on a Thursday night during his time at Arizona.