Bret Bielema’s Red Shoe Razorbacks

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From the man who brought you a “borderline erotic” kneel-down, Arkansas Razorbacks head coach Bret Bielema is bringing sexy back to SEC media days.

Play that saxophone!

On the cancellation of a scheduled nonconference game against Michigan:

“I know Michigan-Notre Dame sounds sexy. I think Michigan-Arkansas sounds sexy.”

On the Razorbacks’ identity compared to that of more historic programs:

“At Arkansas, we’re not built very sexy and we need a lot of time in the bathroom to get ready.”

Step aside, #Pac12AfterDark. College football’s new home for late-night entertainment is the SEC Network. It’s getting hotter than 1990s Cinemax after 10 p.m.!

Appropriately enough, Bielema said he learned of the cancellation of the Arkansas-Michigan series while in the world’s most romantic city, Paris.

This is a story of former lovers scorned.

The Arkansas series, scheduled in 2012 under since-ousted pizza baron/athletic director Dave Brandon, was slated for 2018 and 2019. At that time, the Michigan-Notre Dame rivalry — which dates back to 1887 — faced an impending and indefinite hiatus with the Fighting Irish finding new playmates in the ACC.

Arkansas was there for Michigan on the nonconference rebound, only to see the Wolverines go running back into familiar arms.

The College Football Playoff and associated conference realignment sacrificed a number of rivalries. To that end, Bielema is right; seeing Michigan and Notre Dame renew theirs is indeed sexy.

Despite a $2 million paycheck from Michigan, however, the Razorbacks are left in the lurch.

Rekindling an old flame from the former Southwest Conference sounds titillating. Bielema addressed the possibility of TCU on the docket in Wednesday’s media day podium session.

Texas head coach Charlie Strong probably wouldn’t mind a do-over on the “borderline erotic” Texas Bowl matchup, which went about as poorly for the Longhorns as a late ’90s high schooler being caught by his parents with Cinemax on.

However, this drama started with the renewal of an old relationship. The time for Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long to get on the phone with Barry Alvarez and make a Razorbacks-Wisconsin Badgers date happen.

Now that sounds sexy. SEC Network can dedicate its entire late-night series to chronicling the event. It even has a readymade name!

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