New Adidas Louisville Uniforms Will Corrupt Our Children

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To Whom It May Concern:

This is an open letter to anyone who will read, especially something with the power to stop this madness — and also, it’s open because the head of the FCC, president of ESPN and commissioner of the ACC all blocked me from writing about college football uniforms some time ago.

Adidas unveiled new Louisville uniforms Thursday, and it’s too much. Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich, I beg of you: don’t let your football team take the field in these. To John Skipper, I ask you not let Louisville appear on your network in these.

Not with that helmet. I fear that terrifying cardinal along the helmet will give my son nightmares.

As a CONCERNED PARENT I demand to know:

I understand the long-term damage the trauma of seeing these Louisville uniforms can have on a young child. My brother used to make me look at the box art of horror movies while we were at the local video store, and look how screwed up I am now?

Growing up in Arizona, I also learned firsthand the impact of SATANIC IMAGERY on young minds. My home state hosts a team called the SUN DEVILS, for crying out loud!

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And that’s what this new Louisville cardinal is, demonic and obviously inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds — not that I’ve ever seen that or any of his classic films, what with their evil agendas!

I trust my own ability to let someone else giving me a recap of his movies and echo their opinions without having to formulate my own, thank you very much!

Related, isn’t Adidas just the worst? Seriously, Adidas, why aren’t you Nike? You should be more like Nike, who would never release a garish alternative uniform, nor pair said uniform with an equally outlandish helmet.

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And while you’re at it being more like Nike, Adidas, please also make every uniform exactly like Alabama’s or Penn State’s. THIS SPORT HAS NO NEED FOR PANTS OF ANY COLOR OTHER THAN WHITE WITH MINIMAL, IF ANY, ACCENT.

Change of any kind bothers and frightens me, but when it comes to uniforms, it just makes me angry! Why, right now, as I write this, I’m seeing red — just not the red of the new Louisville uniforms, which I refuse to acknowledge!

Thank you for reading.

P.S.: I am not a crackpot.