Coach on NBC: Ripped from the Headlines

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You likely already read NBC is resurrecting the ’90s sitcom Coach because all sports sites are shameless content mills regurgitating the same, useless information, but what you didn’t know is how the network bigwigs plan to make the show different.

It makes sense NBC would look to the heyday of the sitcom genre to bolster its listless ratings. The Peacock is so far out of competition with CBS and ABC that at present, NBC brass is just trying to avoid getting bypassed by a Windows ’95 screensaver.

Of course, this being NBC, it’s not bringing back one of its own sitcoms from an era when the network dominated the TV landscape. And, this being NBC, I anticipate a certain NBC quality added to this redux of Coach.

In an effort to capitalize on the popularity of Law & Order, the only NBC fictional series I can name off the top of my head, look for a grittier Coach to hit airwaves next fall, taken story lines directly from the fertile ground of college football headlines.

Imagine the possibilities!

Instagram images of a shirtless and intoxicated Luther Van Damme partying with coeds surface

Luther’s offseason recruiting is focused on landing talent of a different kind. Hayden Fox’s trusted assistant lands in hot water — and not the hot water of the jacuzzi in which he’s photographed holding a red cup and hanging with the Delta Gamma ladies of Minnesota State.

Van Damme’s off-field exploits come to a head when he’s involved in a motorcycle accident while popping a wheelie with a coed riding along. A tearful Luther, sporting a cervical collar, offers a tearful apology days before Minnesota State’s season opener.

Conference realignment is crushing Minnesota State’s budget

Chasing big television revenue dollars, the Screamin’ Eagles are no longer playing opponents in Wisconsin, Iowa or Illinois. Minnesota State’s brand has gone international, tapping into the sizable and unfettered Beijing market.

This is quickly exposed as a bad idea, as sending the women’s soccer team to play China Tech proves costly. Administrators also find their budgetary projections are way off, as the conference’s broadcast service is blocked by the Chinese government.

Hayden Fox takes a stand against the hurry-up offense

Hayden Fox is a Midwestern coach, through-and-through. The Screamin’ Eagles employ a run-first, quarterback-under-center offense, but the proliferation of hurry-up offenses threatens his team’s place in the national landscape.

Hayden launches a media offensive, telling anyone who will listen about the dangers of the hurry-up. His foundation sets up funds to sponsor “researchers,” who contrive junk-science data that proves not only are hurry-up offenses dangerous, but they’re also a money-laundering front for crime syndicates.

After a heart-to-heart with Christine, Hayden comes to terms with the changing landscape of the game and brings on Hal Mumme as offensive coordinator.

Dauber is funneling money to players from a bag man

Himself a former player of Hayden Fox’s, Dauber knows the economic hardships Minnesota State players face while juggling football and school. Dauber also wants to make a splash on the recruiting trail, as the Screamin’ Eagles are struggling to woo prospects away from warm-weather states to play at MSU.

Dauber meets a Minnesota State booster with an answer to both dilemmas. He has untaxed revenue that he can’t account for, so what better use for it than giving it to charity — that charity being helping the Screamin’ Eagles build an elite roster.

This bag man sends money to Dauber, who distributes it discreetly throughout the program. In one of many true-life cameos, Danny Sheridan appears on Coach as a media personality with knowledge of the bag man.

Did I say cameos? Oh, we got cameos!

Coach on NBC is basically college football’s version of Entourage. All the big names appear, from Paul Finebaum to Urban Meyer.

The writing team is comprised entirely of college football bloggers

Expect reiterations of the same three jokes every week.