Today is Friday the 13th, which presumably means some cable network is airing a marathon of the slasher films of the same name.
For those unfamiliar, the Friday the 13th series is a horror franchise, spawned from the popularity of Halloween and bled dry by Paramount Studios because of the movies’ small budgets and guaranteed profit.
Once Paramount was finished with Friday the 13th, New Line Cinema took over. However, the series hasn’t done much in the subsequent 22 years — kinda like the Miami Hurricanes moving from the Big East to ACC.
Make no mistake: There are no actual parallels between the Friday the 13th series and college football. However, kickoff to the 2015 is a half-year away and lay off me, alright?
It’s important to note that there are two incarnations of Jason. In Friday the 13th Parts II-IV, Jason is a normal human, save his deformities and backwoods hillbilly lifestyle.
Now, I could make an SEC joke here, but I won’t. This column is far too high-brow for such nonsense.
Jason is gone from Part V (more on that in a moment), but returns in VI as a super-powered zombie. This Jason runs roughshod over all comers, always save one. The monster is guaranteed to go down in defeat to someone despite his overwhelming advantages.
In that sense, Jason Voorhees is the Alabama Crimson Tide.
Though Jason Voorhees is the villain synonymous with the Friday the 13th series, Pamela Voorhees is the antagonist of the first installment.
Distraught over the treatment she believes resulted in the loss of her son at Camp Crystal Lake, Pamela Voorhees is thrown into hysterics. It’s not unlike Phyllis, arguably the most famous of Paul Finebaum’s menagerie of regular callers.
Colin Cowherd might want to avoid Crystal Lake…or Mulga.
After Jason’s slow, plodding and methodical style got him royally whipped in the campy, 2002 sequel Jason X, the masked maniac got an upgrade. In fact, the tagline of the movie was “Evil Gets An Upgrade.”
Jason’s improvements gave him a distinct, new advantage, as well as some flashy duds.
Upgraded Jason — Jason X — is Oregon. The Ducks tried to match USC at its height with a morw, traditional methodical approach. It wasn’t until Chip Kelly brought his uptempo attack that the Ducks really took, and continued it under Mark Helfrich.
And hey, Jason X looks an awful lot like the scrapped, futuristic Duck introduced the same year.
Tommy Jarvis once stood tall at the end of a Friday the 13th installment, but the fight took a toll on him. Tommy went away, resurfacing at a halfway house in Part V.
If Part IV was Urban Meyer’s Florida stint, the Pinehurst Halfway House is ESPN. And just like the “Final Chapter” of Friday the 13th wasn’t really, Urban Meyer found a New Beginning at Ohio State.
The Tommy Jarvis of Part VI: Jason Lives, is a tough-as-nails protagonist who used his past experience against the monster to bring him down.
Consider Tommy’s epic battle in Crystal Lake Friday the 13th’s answer to this year’s College Football Playoff.
With Friday the 13th moving to New Line, the studio had a golden opportunity to give fans of the two biggest horror franchises of the 1980s the encounter they wanted.
Instead, they got Freddy vs. Jason.
Freddy vs. Jason was teased at the end of New Line’s first Friday the 13th endeavor, Jason Goes to Hell. Production took a full 10 years, however, which is only slightly longer than the SEC will go between games pitting games against Nick Saban and Steve Spurrier.
Of course, Steve Spurrier is college football’s Freddy Krueger. While other icons of the genre are known for being stoic, both Spurrier and Krueger made their reputations on wisecracks.
JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
It’s a movie with Manhattan in the title, yet a good 75 percent of it occurs elsewhere. Jason Takes Manhattan delivers the New York market to Friday the 13th in the same way Rutgers delivers to the Big Ten.