Bad News: Your Favorite Team Has The Worst Fans in College Football

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We interrupt your regularly scheduled college football discussion for some bad news.

Your favorite team–yes YOUR favorite team–has the worst fans in college football.

Don’t blame me, dear reader; blame the facts; facts such as that while your favorite team may have dyed-in-the-wool, loyal supporters who remain true to the program in losing seasons, the fanbase is teeming with Johnny-Come-Latelies.

These fair-weather fans may not even be alumni of the university! There’s a high probability they are–*gulp*–locals who embraced the team because of its success.

The audacity! They buy all the team garb, show up on gameday and cheer like regular fans, though we all know they’re not. If only officially licensed NCAA retailers sold a version of the They Live sunglasses that allowed true fans and alumni to spot the fair-weather fakers and those without a degree from the university for what they are.

Sidewalk fans, as they’re commonly referred to in SEC Country, are scientifically proven* (*no such data exists) to be more prone to excessive drinking at tailgates and fighting in the stadium. Well, more prone than everyone but the unruly fratbros inhabiting the student section, anyway.

Who could imagine alcohol and youth could be such a volatile, and obnoxious, mix? Their behavior is an indictment on your entire fanbase, and on you directly as a human being. The miserable experience of attending a packed game at your team’s home venue is more akin to a night at the Double Deuce than a college football Saturday.

Conversely, there’s no honor in being a loyal fan. Take a look around at the row in which you purchased your season tickets. See anyone within an area code of you? Of course not!

That’s because you’re in league with the worst fans in college football. Your team is failing to generate enough local interest to fill the tens of thousands of seats in its stadium.

You might think of yourself as a die-hard, when in reality you’re just fodder for College Football Twitter to mock. Hey Miami cheerleader, why are you leading cheers when there’s no one in attendance to be cheer-led?

Image via The Big Lead via ESPNU broadcast
Image via The Big Lead via ESPNU broadcast

Why, a Twitter account devoted entirely to retweeting photos of poorly attended sporting events has more than 6500 followers–which is more than the final gate at that game you decided to sit through, sad sack!

Moreover, your continued support of a product deemed sub-par by an arbitrary metric only supports mediocrity. And everyone knows that the true value of being fan is winning, because you are directly responsible for the athletes’ success. And since their success is your success, your team’s victories make you superior to your neighbor.

Just be sure you’re humble while wallowing in your vast superiority. No one likes a gloater. And because no one likes a gloater, the bravado expressed on radio call-in shows and message boards by backers of your team truly makes them the worst.

Said zealots are likely to tweet at and send Facebook messages to recruits, a creepy practice in which fans from literally no other fanbase but yours engage.

If you support a team to which none of the preceding applies, hold your head high. Otherwise, shame on you. You are among the worst fans in college football.